Tuesday, July 31, 2012

31/7/2012

All I can think of as I sit here to write is the cold and refreshing berry lemonade popsicles we made at home. Nothing else. Nada. None.

It’s safe to say I’m hungry.

Monday, July 30, 2012

30/7/2012

Being hormonal while fasting is not an easy job. Since I can’t stuff my face throughout the day, I find myself struggling with a lot more emotions than I’m accustomed to. I try not to burst and scream and shout, so everything comes out as nasty remarks. I know I’m not handling this well and I know the words I sometimes utter are evil, but I’ll be lying if I said that I’m incapable of stopping them from coming out. I try to keep them to a minimum, but I don’t regret saying what needs to be said at times. It might come out harsh, but it’s never uncalled for.


I’m not about to use this as an excuse. PMS doesn’t stand for temporary insanity. It’s just that you have a little less control, and that gives a lot more room to voice whatever is already inside.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

29/7/2012

I’m pretty sure I emailed a post on Friday, where did it go? Apparently, miracles do exist!

I had the kids over (must stop calling my nephews the kids, people will start thinking they are mine) this weekeend and surprisingly, it went just fine. I actually miss them now that they’re gone.

Today started on a bad note, I’m hoping it’ll get better as I go. I don’t feel like saying anything right now, so no need to drag this on.

Friday, July 27, 2012

27/7/2012

I love the kids for now, and they love me back. This is enough to make me smile for the next couple of hours. I'm not saying I'm motherly now, but this sure is nice once in a while.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

26/7/2012

Family is a concept defined by each and every one of us. We might all know the general meaning of it, but we don’t necessarily consider it the right one for us. Family, to me, is anybody who takes the time to know me, anyone with genuine interest in what I am and what I want to become, anyone I can talk to. This, naturally, doesn’t apply to the extended family. Hell, it doesn’t even apply to a handful of blood related relatives! But quantity is only numerical. What they lack in number, they make up for in quality. My family, the one I choose for myself, is why I bother doing this every single day. They are the ones who matter. The are the ones I’ll die for if I had to.


So having said that, to family! May they always be around, if not in presence in spirit.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

25/7/2012

I forgot my charger today and I have this constant nagging panicky feeling reminding me that I can’t use up my battery life because all hell will break loose if, god forbid, I had to survive without my phone.

How trivial are our everyday worries. We have everything we need within our reach and yet we keep consuming ourselves with worry and grief over insignificant matters. We live in a third world country but our problems are purely first world. We are the worst of both worlds multiplied and put under the optimal conditions to breed and spread out. We are what capitalism is all about. We are the perfect consumers, and worse yet, we are proud to be nothing but that.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

24/7/2012

In three days they wont be here anymore
I started my day today just like I do every morning, before my alarm rings by 3:30 hours. Got stuck in traffic and arrive late to work by 5 minutes. Done my morning lab round in 10 minutes. And now I’m here writing for some time.

Time is always in the back of my mind. Everything has to be done before this hour or after a number of minutes. Deviation from the schedule could be the trigger to self loath or bouts of anger. I don’t know when did I start doing that. All I know is I’ve been worried about not meeting my deadlines for as long as I remember. It drives me crazy but without it I feel the world spinning out of control.

I need professional help.

Monday, July 23, 2012

23/7/2012

Everyone seems to like to brag about how charitable they are, and while I still roll my eyes at such broadcasts of kindness and generosity (almost always triggered by pretentiousness), I can’t help but participate. I don’t have to explain myself though because I’m doing it to generate more good.

A fellow blogger introduced me to Free Rice initiative. It’s a place where you can donate rice to people who need it and still learn and have fun at the same time. Like who would’ve thought that Tin’s chemical formula is Sn? I bet a lot of people did but you get what I’m getting at.

If you’re interested, don’t hesitate to join the group. Every grain of rice counts.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

22/7/2012

I can't help but believe that satisfaction is not meant to be achieved in a place like this. Nothing about this town is going as it should be. No one here is acting like the human they were born to be. We are but puppets being taught a fed the same crap. We are doomed if we are happy with that. We are done for if we are satisfied.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

21/7/2012

It's the second day of Ramadhan and I'm already running out of pre-downloaded shows to watch. I only have a couple of episodes of Daria, a couple of seasons of Futurama, one episode of Suits that's downloading at the moment, and anticipation of Breaking Bad's episode coming out in a little more than a day. I need new shows.

* I always worry about putting the wrong date on the title. I kinda developed a weird scenario of a gap in the fabric of time and creating eternal chaos. That would be something, won't it!

Friday, July 20, 2012

20/7/2012

I'm reading a book I feel I was forced to get. It was there everywhere I went telling me to pick it up. I resent it now because I don't feel it was completely my choice. I'm even reading it in an uninterested monotonous voice. I want to give it a chance but it keeps reminding me that I didn't want it, that it somehow was imposed on me. I hate it and I hate reading it, yet I'm giving it the chance to impress. I might've lied about the last part, I really want it to suck.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

19/7/2012

A new day, just like every day, has come. A new beginning? Let's not get carried away! New hopes? Yes, that I'm guilty of. The end of a week always brings some sense of relief. No matter how hard the family gathering tries to take that sense of relief, it wouldn't leave. It fights for me. It wants me to be ok. And I am, momentarily, ok.

I have a small question now. We have a '3abga at work and I promised to bring something but got lazy and brought something else; will I be shunned forever now? Will I be known as the girl who can't commit? Why am I even participating in such events? This was my idea of being funny, so yeah!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

18/7/2012

The most genuine words come out when you sit down with no intention of writing. I however, don't have that privilege since I'm here under the threat of my own inner torment. That leaves me to wonder about the nature of those forced pieces of this incomplete puzzle. Are they real? Are they of any value? Do they count? Am I who I claim to be?

Anyway, this is what I have to offer. Genuine or of no value, it's up for you to decide and for me to disregard. Therapy is what this is. Healing is what it's meant to do, and if it's working out for me, then I'm keeping them coming. Are they working out for me though? I love asking those questions, don't ask  me why!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

17/7/2012

Crying, when consumed in small amounts and over long intervals, is good for the soul. Let's stop at that, I'll spare you the gloomy details.

This place is starting to suffocate me. All the whining can't be doing anyone good, so how about we agree on being less tormented around her? All in favor, say I! My audience consisting of one agrees, so let's move on.

Today marks 8 months of working here and I'm already thinking of a change of plan. I don't know if I'm fickle or if it's really a good choice. I'll have to do more research and then make my move. I've been good at getting what I want so far, so let's hope I'll continue to be.

This wasn't so bad, was it now!

Monday, July 16, 2012

16/7/2012

Reading back what I write always gives me a sense of pretentiousness, but I can't help being a stuck up bitch! This is how the thoughts formulate in my head. This is the tone of my inner voice. This is the way I read everything or comprehend. This is even the sound I use to read funny tweets! It's dull, but this is what I'm used to. So if you're bothered, stop! Because it's not going to change.

 Having said that, today I'm at a loss of words. I want to write about something other than my thoughts, but my thoughts are jealous creatures. They see me trying to think of something else so they pull me back to where I started from. It's a constant loop, a vicious cycle. They are my current master, and just like most subordinates, I obey in hopes of a treat. I think I deserve a treat.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

15/7/2012

First day of the week is always the hardest. You're just coming back from getting to do whatever you please with your day, which makes being stuck at work for 7:30 hours the day after an unbearable chore. Alas, this is what growing up is all about. We finish studying then we work, that's what we've been taught. Not all grownups can be wrong, or can they!

One of my freezers is in distress. She's shouting for me, so eager for help. I have to go comfort her, after all, I did call her princess.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

14/7/2012

What happens when I don't write in the morning? I spend the whole day trying to force myself to sit down and write! Sit down and write Sumaiah. Sit and fucking write.

I find myself forcing myself to do a lot of things lately. Other than writing I force myself to read, work, interact with people, and shower. Those are signs of being depressed I suppose. I never said I wasn't depressed.

You see, I believe I found the perfect cure for my condition, My condition being apathy or whatever not wanting to live might fall under, and the perfect cure is to make myself do everything I don't feel like doing. That's right! As simple as that. Do it all and do it with a smile. You got it champ.

So here I am crossing writing off my list. I just have some pages to read then I can go back to watching shows in bed. Life is good.

Friday, July 13, 2012

13/7/2012

I lay in bed hungry as I always am at this time of the weekend. Scornful that I'm up and yet determined to not start my day or be active. This is the story of my life, ladies and gentlemen. Doing something while wanting the other so bad. That's exactly me. Yours truly, I.

* I wish I can stop being sarcastic or maybe at least tone it down sometimes. You're stuck with it, I'm stuck with it. You're welcome, universe.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

12/7/2012

I haven't been reading much lately and I feel my imagination taking a leave of absence and leaving me to only pondering what I see. Sometimes that's not a bad thing. Sometimes you need to be an active observer of what's really there. Sometimes but not always, or else you'll be consumed..

Being an observer locks you in a world inside of you that you can not leave. There's not much you can do with reality but asking why and looking for answers. Answers that most probably will not see the light. And what can't get out will grow impatient and rebel, then start a revolution and suddenly a coup.. And all of a sudden you're no longer in charge.

I am no longer in charge. I can no longer steer my thinking process into my desired direction. Most of my thought are those I wish would remain silent.. They never stop talking. They keep whispering what I don't want to hear, and when I ignore they shout!
LISTEN TO US! WE ARE WHAT YOU BOTTLED INSIDE AND WE'VE COME BACK WITH A VENGEANCE. WE'RE NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE'RE HEARD.
So I close my eyes and listen to them but they won't stop! They go on forever and I'm not sure I understand. What do they want from me? Please make them stop! I beg.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

11/7/2012

I think I need to make a habit out of writing if only a paragraph every day.  Writing clears my mind and makes it easier for my thoughts to align and stop pestering me with never ending whys and splitting headaches. As a human, I'm guilty of being selfish. I want everything to work out for me, and that goes on for whatever is going through my head. So out of pure selfishness, I write.

What happens when you're presented with an idea that you never wanted to consider? Naturally, you will not give it a second thought. Just like any rational person, you'll dismiss it. But let me tell you this, the thoughts in my head are no rational beings. If anything, they are the exact opposite.
In my schoolgirl excitement, I've allowed my thought to wander away to places that should forever stay uninhabited. I've allowed my hopes to  ride on uncertainty and went as far as expecting the best. This is the start of my demise, my friends.
 Expectations is what lead me to being who I am, and while this is not a bad thing since I, in my self glorifying eyes,  think I turned out great, though it wasn't easy to get to. I taught myself to never hope, to never expect, to never go in that path of uncertain outcomes because no one likes to be disappointed. And yes, by no one I mean me. I don't want to be disappointed especially in matters that mean nothing to me.
But you might go ahead and ask, why all this thinking if the matter is of no significance to yours truly? I would answer if I had a reply. I would tell you in a rational way what's going on, except I can't rationalize what seems to be a matter of the heart..

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

10/7/2012

Once again I'm in this place of my life where I'm questioning my plan. Is it ever going to come to life? Will I ever grow up? Will I ever break free? Am I determined enough to achieve my ultimate goal? Am I worthy of the life I want for myself? Question after question from me to me even when I know I have no answer, or worse, I have one that I don't want to hear.
 
All I know is that something in me has to come out. Words or otherwise, it just has to be sent back to the universe. This thing.. This entity if I may go as far to say, resides everywhere in me. It's like a cancer of some sort eating me alive. But just like most cancers out there, I have to fight my body to eradicate it. I have to reach my weakest state of mind to come out victorious. I have to face me, beat me, then build me up again. Just like a phoenix, I will rise back to greatness.
 

*Sometimes you just have to write. Even if there's nothing to write about and words refuse to serve a purpose. Today is one of those times. I have the Nerdist playing in the background and I can't help but listen to snippets of jokes and, even when my mind is resisting, give out a smile.