Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Series of Unfortunate Events

علاقتي مع ابوي عبارة عن اوامر و عصيان. أهو عبالة إني ياهل يقدر يتحكم فيها و أنا قاعد أمارس حقي كإنسانة عاقلة بإني ما أسمع اللي يقوله و لا أنفذة. ممكن تقولون إنا اثنينة غسلنا إيدنا من بعض بس للحين لازم نتعايش. أو يمكن أنا بس اللي ما اقدر استحملة و أهو ما يبي يهد دور "سي سيد"؟ مادري المهم أنا لازم أبدا هالبوست بأي شكل و أهوا ساعدني إني أبدا.
 
أبوي مثل معظم الرياييل الكويتيين اللي في عمرة, ما يؤمن بالمشاكل النفسية. أبوي للأسف بعد ما يؤمن بالحرية الشخصية. و مدام قاعد نتكلم بصفاتة, أبوي مؤمن بإنة طول ما الشخص يشيل إسمة لة الحق بإنة يتحكم بكل حركاتة و حتى أعتقد مشاعرة لو يقدر. عقب هالنبذة الشوي كئيبة عن أبوي أقدر أدش في موضوعي ألحين. 

للأسف بطريقة ما أبوي عرف إني أراجع طبيب نفسي عشان أعالج من الكآبة و مثل ما أهو متوقع ردة فعلة كانت عنيفة. ما عمري توقعت إنة ياخذني بالأحضان و يوعدني إنة كل شي راح يتغير, بس بلحظة أمل مو بمكانها توقعت إنة راح يخليني أسوي إللي يريحني. بس مرة  ثانية راح أذكركم إني قاعد أتحجة عن أبوي هني! ردة فعلة كانت إنة إتهمني إني قاعد أألف و إنة ماكو شي يسبب الإكتآب في البيت. ذكرني إني أهوا أبوي و إني لازم أستأذنة بكل حركة أسويها. قاللي إنة إللي قاعد أسوي غلط و محد أذنلي إني أروح أستشير دكتور.  أنا يمكن قاعد أتحجة عن أبوي بس هذي ردة فعل وايد أبهات و أمهات و أخوان و خوات.

مشكلتنا عايشين في مجتمع ما يتسامح مع المتطلبات العاطفية حق الشخص. ممكن الإنسان يعيش طول حياتة يعاني من مرض نفسي بدون ما يعرف أو يقدر يساعد نفسة.  مجتمعنا مو مثالي. اللي قاعد يصير في مو صح. محد يقدر يغيرة إللا إحنا.

مشكلتنا ماعندنة وعي. ما عندنا أحد يقولنا إنا المشاكل النفسية مو عيب. إنها نتيجة طبيعية للضغوطات اليومية. ما عندنا مجموعات مساعدة أو سوبورت قروبس عشان نتناقش باللي متعب نفسياتنا. مستشفانا الحكومي الوحيد المتخصص بالعلاج النفسي يتجة أكثر للمداواة بالأدوية على حساب الجلسات العلاجية. الدكاترة النفسيين في العيادات الخاصة  أسعارهم مو منطقية و توصل الجلسة الوحدة 100 دينار! 

يمكن وايد أشياء يبيلها تغيير بس بعد نقدر نساعد بعض. قاعد أحاول أبدا موقع متخصص بالأمراض النفسية. راح أحاول أكلم مختصين نفسيين يساعدوني أحقق هذا المشروع. ودي أبدا سوبورت قروب ودي أغير. إن شاء الله راح أقدر أنفذ رؤيتي. 

بالنسبة حق أبوي, لا تحاتون أنا بالي طويل راح يتكلم لما يتعب و بعدين راح يرد الهدوء. ما عندي مشكلة مع الهدوء.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Aly

I can’t help but sigh when it’s too late to react in any other way. A young soul has decided it’s time to depart and no one could’ve stopped her. We all failed her. it’s too late to apologies.. I’m sorry I didn’t know you better.


Rest in peace, little angel.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Roadblock


My society, oh how I loathe you! With every inch of my body, I despise you. You’ve been nothing but a great wall in my path, stopping me from getting to where I want to be. You imprisoned me in this idiotic way of “living”.. I use the word loosely! We are not alive. We are not living. We are just getting by.

I, too, was once happy with just skimming through life. I was ok with being this consuming being who’s too spoiled to realize the mutation it’s going through. The brainwashing and the oblivion of “More is More” was working on me too. 

Life was good until I started thinking. Once you open up your mind you can’t go back to what you used to be, and while I am aware no one around me is.. so in this messed up equation my mind is running way ahead of the rest of me.

I’m stuck in two worlds, the world I’m forced to live in and the dream of a world I want for myself. I grew out of my surrounding yet I’m carrying around this nearly 24 year old umbilical cord. I’m stuck in a black hole that keeps sucking me back in. I’m never where I want to be. It’s never up to me. I’m nearly 24.

I’m sick of it all.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

جيل التغيير.. للأحسن؟


طبعي إنسانة أحب أراقب شنو يصير حواليني أكثر من ما أعيشة. هالشي خلاني أكون ناقدة في معضم الأوقات سلبية عاللي قاعد يصير بالديرة. ما تربيت في بيت يحط الوطنية فوق كل شيء الحمد لله، عشان جذي ما كان للوطنية الزايدة عن اللزوم دور بإنها تعمي بصيرتي. من يوم بديت أفهم و أكون آرائي الشخصية و الديرة كل مالها و الأردا. ما عشت "العصر الذهبي" اللي راح و ولى ألحين الناس ما تعرف إللا تحجي في، فهذا بعد ما أثر على نظرتي للموضوع.

ما قاعد أقول إني سياسية مخضرمة بس بعد الواحد إذا عايش الوضع أكيد بيكون فكرة و يبدي يتساءل. ما عمري حسبت التفكير شيء غلط إللا لما بديت أتحجة عن وضع الديرة. من يوم عرفت أعبر عن رايي و أنا ما لقيت إللا رد عنيف و إتهامات من الجيل اللي قبلي. تشكيك في ولائي و في وطنيتي و في أي شيء يقدرون يهاجموني في و يسكتوني. طب شلون نبي نصلح إذا إحنا مانبي نعترف إنا في شيء غلط؟ شلون نبي نتقدم إذا ما نعرف شنو إللي كل مالة و يسحبنا لي ورة؟ شنو الهدف من إنا نعيش وهم كلها جم سنة و بيتكسر فوق روسنا؟ ليش يربطونة معنة إحنا اللي راح إنعيش نتايج أغلاطهم؟ متى راح يفهمون إنا الوقت هذا وقتنة؟

مرات أحس ودي أغير بس التغيير صعب لما تكون مهاجم من البيت لي الشارع. ماقدر إللا إني أحاول أعيش فرحة الناس اللي قاعد يطلعون و أتشفق إني أكون معاهم. محد يقدر إييب التغيير غيركم يا جيلي، تركو عنكم المضاهر و القيل و القال و إستخدمو عقولكم. طلعو و غيرو مو بس مع الخيل يا شقرا. لا تصيرون جزء من أجندة السياسيين الفاسدين. ركدو و فكرو حق روحكم و وصلو رسالتكم شخص شخص مو تاخذون موقف "أنا مع فلان". وين رايكم؟ وين فكركم؟ ما ينفع مسيرة إذا الكل طالع حق سبب مو متبلور بمخوخكم. مو كل من طق طبلة قال أنا قبلة! ودي أفرح فيكم لما أشوفكم تتحجون عن شيء إنتو مقتنعين في، مو شيء حشو في راسكم.

شغلو مخوخكم تكفون و طلعوا عشان توصلون صوتكم إنتو مو صوت أحد ثاني! إذا أحد يقدر يغير أكيد راح يكون إنتو بس الفخر يكون التغيير للأحسن. لا تضيعون الديرة أكثر من ما إهيا ضايعة بجهلكم. إذا مخوخكم ما تتغير عمرنا ما راح ينصلح حالنا. ما قاعد أطلب منكم وايد، بس تكفون فكرو!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Dearest Mesho

I know a lot have changed between us in those two years. I know I haven't been the best sister. I know I snap for the dumbest reasons. I know I haven't been supportive or present.. I know I'm more of annoyance than I am of help. I also know I love you and I hope you still love me too.

You are the only person I can be myself with even if myself is not the best thing to be. I am tired of having to fake normality so I come home and take it all out on you. I'm sorry for that.. I'm sorry for what I've done to us. Be patient please, I'm working on it! Have faith in me, your faith keeps me going. Please don't hate me, I really can't bear the thought. I love you little sister, now and forever. You are my reason to live, please don't give up on me..

Friday, October 26, 2012

Three Pills Later

I feel horrible today. People come and go and I'm still swinging on this swing set of life. Wish this day will end and all can be left behind. I'm kind of nauseous.

عيدكم مبارك.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Make Me Ok


Just started a course of antidepressants. I know they're no magic pills but I guess it can't get any worse so what's the harm in trying? I hope that with counseling and everything I'll be able to reclaim my life. One way or another, I will be ok. This will not be the end of me.. I won't allow it. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Some Men Just Want to Watch the World Burn

We can stop the shit from hitting the fan, yet we choose to burn it when it’s already too late.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Malala Yousafzai

Girls as young as 14 are being shot for standing up. Not a single post on Botamba mentioning this. No prayers uttered wishing them full recovery. Nothing.


Where are the human rights activists? Where are the feminists? Is there any humanity remaining in any of you at all? Or is talking about something that doesn’t put bread on the table too much of a hassle? What’s becoming of us! This is so wrong.

Just google the name. reclaim your lost purpose in life. Do something other than passing through life with nothing more than vanity. You make me sad.

Be safe Malala Yusafzai, what you did at a very young age no one in my country will ever do. Be proud of what you’ve turned into. You are one of the few humans left in this world. Please stay with us.. Please!

Monday, September 24, 2012

No More Drama

When you’re living in a world full of restrictions and limits you have a choice of becoming rebellious or apathetic but why choose when you can have it all? It’s good to switch back and forth when one can be very exhausting and the other doesn’t do much to improve anything. Today I was put in a place where I had to handle a very fucked up situation that was addressed very calmly which saved me a whole lot of energy and what little remains of my sanity. I have a silent riot going on inside and an apathetic look stuck on my face right now. On one hand I’m proud of what I stopped myself from saying but on the other I’m somewhat disappointed I didn’t state what’s really on my mind. I guess I’ll have to get over it, own up, and eventually move on. I find solace in the fact the that the people keeping me down will not always be here. I can, and I will, leave this all behind.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

9/9/2012

Nothing's working out.. Instruments giving wrong concentrations, gas cylinders stuck on the wrong pressure, samples homogenized with the wrong dilution. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right, but what about a collection of wrongs?

Friday, September 7, 2012

7/9/2012

How can one organ orchestrates the whole body? What makes all other organs follow it like a pack leader? How can I restore the order? Chaos doesn't feel so good. My uterus is mad at me.. Again.

Monday, September 3, 2012

3/9/2012

The tendency to complicate what’s otherwise simply straightforward is the force that’s draining our souls. Wasting effort here and there is what’s leaving us so powerless to unveil the drapes blinding us from seeing our glorious potentials. Our bubbles are saturated and ready to burst with unnecessary nuisances. They want us occupied with what doesn’t matter so we won’t pay attention to their inefficiency. They failed us. We know that. we are too busy to react.  

Thursday, August 30, 2012

30/8/2012

Save your emotions on a cloud and summon them whenever needed. Nothing good ever comes from being too emotional.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

29/8/2012

Always be prepared for the worst. Even if it works out just fine, the outcome will taste twice as sweet. Those are my words of “wisdom” for today. Now fuck off.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

28/8/2012

I’ve notices I only feel my purpose when by the end of the day I realize that I haven’t had time to check anything virtual. That doesn’t mean that everything virtual is therefore deemed purposeless! It just means that it’s good to be super busy and tired sometimes. I would love to sit and bore you some more but I have to make my exit for now though, I have something to do.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

26/8/2012

Life is full of variables. What’s here today might not be here tomorrow, and what never existed can easily materialize out of thin air. This inconsistency is what keeps us on our toes. It’s there for us to pay attention. Pay attention or fail the pop quiz.. Fail the pop quiz and cease to matter.


Life, you are my mentor, guide me towards the right path. Hold my hand so I wont fail.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

23/8/2012

My muscles ache for sleep. I’m exhausted. Fast forward to the weekend please.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

22/8/2012

I was recently introduced to the wonderful world of drag. I’ve witnessed, if only in short glimpse, what those queens go through. I’ve seen the struggle and the dedication, the elegance and the crazy, the talent and the perseverance, and the magic of it all.


I’m guilty of butching my way through life. I never was a feminine lady or a girly girl; I was, and forever will be, a bona fide tomboy.

For someone like me, the makeup the hairdos the shaving and the hassle feels like a burden placed over my shoulders. They are some of the many things I begrudgingly endure in the name of civilization. It’s safe to say that I’m the anti drag.

Watching those ladies suffer for something that I so often take for granted is inspiring. They work with what they have to create something beautiful and it all leaves me in awe. I don’t understand how anyone could hate them or what they stand for. It saddens me that we live in a world where such beautiful beings are bullied and oppressed.

I pray for you my gorgeous queens, may you one day be granted the life you deserve.

Friday, August 17, 2012

17/8/2012

I'm absolutely beautiful. I'm fierce. I am a diva. Feast on that bitches.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

16/8/2012

How come a “love” so ancient come to haunt you after so many years with such ferocious intensity. I’m sick of you taking shelter in my head. You are not welcomed, leave!

I’m sick of the perfect memories.. Memories I obviously created of you to drive myself crazy. What we had never worked. We hated each other yet we stayed. We brought each other pain yet we clung together. We were stupid by nature then stupefied even further by the promise of us against the world. I guess the world won for there was never us.


You are not what I want.. You were never what I wanted. I want you in my head now.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

15/8/2012

One of my freezers is wailing today, she’s in need of professional help. I look at her and I wonder what can I possibly do to help? How can I relieve her pain? There’s nothing I can do.. So we both stay here one in pain and one in torment separated only by the  pool of mismatched emotions. I am here for you my dear, but then again, what did this ever accomplish?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

14/8/2012

A blank document staring at me, waiting to be filled up. I am the creator of this. I am in charge. I wonder if this document is scared of me, or if it’s just happy and thankful that I breathed life into it. I don’t want pay back. I don’t desire appreciation. I just want to be accepted and acknowledged.
Go out to the world my child. Share with whoever’s willing to read the presence of your creator. Tell them I exist. Tell them I won’t conform.. Not without a fight.

Monday, August 13, 2012

13/8/2012

There’s so little a mind can do when sleep deprived. Everything’s so clear yet so fuzzy at the same time.  I close my eyes and mingle with the distorted faces. Sometimes the familiarity of their presence gives me comfort, and sometimes it steals it away. I’ve come to know my demons. We all talk in the absence of light. Those mirror images of me haunt me in an ever so proverbial  way. “Come with us and play” they say. “Come with us and stay.”

Sunday, August 12, 2012

12/8/2012

Finding out that something you’ve been practicing since birth is not the exact thing for you is a weird process. We tend to hold on to whatever we’ve been taught out of convenience. We eliminate the thought process and work on pilot mode. We forget to think for ourselves when everyone is trying so hard to think for us. We stop growing, we never reach our potentials. We are too afraid. We are trapped.

I want to be free. I want out.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

2/8/2012

I don’t have anything to say about the evasion, and I didn’t feel the earthquake or feel the urge to talk about it as if it defines my whole being; does that make me a freak of nature to you all? Please tell me if it does. I really would love it if I knew that I’m a freak to the people I consider as freaks. Most of you disgust me. I feel sorry for you. I wish you would use your brains. You’re all a lost cause. I’m mad now.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

1/8/2012

I have to start bringing another source of distraction to the lab; a novel that I hate reading is not cutting it anymore. On one hand I want to be done with it so I can start reading something I like, but on the other I don’t want to open it ever again. It is not really that bad, it’s just that I’m still convinced that it wasn’t purely my choice. Every time I look at it I remember how I caved under the pressure of the universe. The universe made me get it and now I’m resisting its force. The universe is such a bully.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

31/7/2012

All I can think of as I sit here to write is the cold and refreshing berry lemonade popsicles we made at home. Nothing else. Nada. None.

It’s safe to say I’m hungry.

Monday, July 30, 2012

30/7/2012

Being hormonal while fasting is not an easy job. Since I can’t stuff my face throughout the day, I find myself struggling with a lot more emotions than I’m accustomed to. I try not to burst and scream and shout, so everything comes out as nasty remarks. I know I’m not handling this well and I know the words I sometimes utter are evil, but I’ll be lying if I said that I’m incapable of stopping them from coming out. I try to keep them to a minimum, but I don’t regret saying what needs to be said at times. It might come out harsh, but it’s never uncalled for.


I’m not about to use this as an excuse. PMS doesn’t stand for temporary insanity. It’s just that you have a little less control, and that gives a lot more room to voice whatever is already inside.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

29/7/2012

I’m pretty sure I emailed a post on Friday, where did it go? Apparently, miracles do exist!

I had the kids over (must stop calling my nephews the kids, people will start thinking they are mine) this weekeend and surprisingly, it went just fine. I actually miss them now that they’re gone.

Today started on a bad note, I’m hoping it’ll get better as I go. I don’t feel like saying anything right now, so no need to drag this on.

Friday, July 27, 2012

27/7/2012

I love the kids for now, and they love me back. This is enough to make me smile for the next couple of hours. I'm not saying I'm motherly now, but this sure is nice once in a while.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

26/7/2012

Family is a concept defined by each and every one of us. We might all know the general meaning of it, but we don’t necessarily consider it the right one for us. Family, to me, is anybody who takes the time to know me, anyone with genuine interest in what I am and what I want to become, anyone I can talk to. This, naturally, doesn’t apply to the extended family. Hell, it doesn’t even apply to a handful of blood related relatives! But quantity is only numerical. What they lack in number, they make up for in quality. My family, the one I choose for myself, is why I bother doing this every single day. They are the ones who matter. The are the ones I’ll die for if I had to.


So having said that, to family! May they always be around, if not in presence in spirit.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

25/7/2012

I forgot my charger today and I have this constant nagging panicky feeling reminding me that I can’t use up my battery life because all hell will break loose if, god forbid, I had to survive without my phone.

How trivial are our everyday worries. We have everything we need within our reach and yet we keep consuming ourselves with worry and grief over insignificant matters. We live in a third world country but our problems are purely first world. We are the worst of both worlds multiplied and put under the optimal conditions to breed and spread out. We are what capitalism is all about. We are the perfect consumers, and worse yet, we are proud to be nothing but that.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

24/7/2012

In three days they wont be here anymore
I started my day today just like I do every morning, before my alarm rings by 3:30 hours. Got stuck in traffic and arrive late to work by 5 minutes. Done my morning lab round in 10 minutes. And now I’m here writing for some time.

Time is always in the back of my mind. Everything has to be done before this hour or after a number of minutes. Deviation from the schedule could be the trigger to self loath or bouts of anger. I don’t know when did I start doing that. All I know is I’ve been worried about not meeting my deadlines for as long as I remember. It drives me crazy but without it I feel the world spinning out of control.

I need professional help.

Monday, July 23, 2012

23/7/2012

Everyone seems to like to brag about how charitable they are, and while I still roll my eyes at such broadcasts of kindness and generosity (almost always triggered by pretentiousness), I can’t help but participate. I don’t have to explain myself though because I’m doing it to generate more good.

A fellow blogger introduced me to Free Rice initiative. It’s a place where you can donate rice to people who need it and still learn and have fun at the same time. Like who would’ve thought that Tin’s chemical formula is Sn? I bet a lot of people did but you get what I’m getting at.

If you’re interested, don’t hesitate to join the group. Every grain of rice counts.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

22/7/2012

I can't help but believe that satisfaction is not meant to be achieved in a place like this. Nothing about this town is going as it should be. No one here is acting like the human they were born to be. We are but puppets being taught a fed the same crap. We are doomed if we are happy with that. We are done for if we are satisfied.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

21/7/2012

It's the second day of Ramadhan and I'm already running out of pre-downloaded shows to watch. I only have a couple of episodes of Daria, a couple of seasons of Futurama, one episode of Suits that's downloading at the moment, and anticipation of Breaking Bad's episode coming out in a little more than a day. I need new shows.

* I always worry about putting the wrong date on the title. I kinda developed a weird scenario of a gap in the fabric of time and creating eternal chaos. That would be something, won't it!

Friday, July 20, 2012

20/7/2012

I'm reading a book I feel I was forced to get. It was there everywhere I went telling me to pick it up. I resent it now because I don't feel it was completely my choice. I'm even reading it in an uninterested monotonous voice. I want to give it a chance but it keeps reminding me that I didn't want it, that it somehow was imposed on me. I hate it and I hate reading it, yet I'm giving it the chance to impress. I might've lied about the last part, I really want it to suck.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

19/7/2012

A new day, just like every day, has come. A new beginning? Let's not get carried away! New hopes? Yes, that I'm guilty of. The end of a week always brings some sense of relief. No matter how hard the family gathering tries to take that sense of relief, it wouldn't leave. It fights for me. It wants me to be ok. And I am, momentarily, ok.

I have a small question now. We have a '3abga at work and I promised to bring something but got lazy and brought something else; will I be shunned forever now? Will I be known as the girl who can't commit? Why am I even participating in such events? This was my idea of being funny, so yeah!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

18/7/2012

The most genuine words come out when you sit down with no intention of writing. I however, don't have that privilege since I'm here under the threat of my own inner torment. That leaves me to wonder about the nature of those forced pieces of this incomplete puzzle. Are they real? Are they of any value? Do they count? Am I who I claim to be?

Anyway, this is what I have to offer. Genuine or of no value, it's up for you to decide and for me to disregard. Therapy is what this is. Healing is what it's meant to do, and if it's working out for me, then I'm keeping them coming. Are they working out for me though? I love asking those questions, don't ask  me why!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

17/7/2012

Crying, when consumed in small amounts and over long intervals, is good for the soul. Let's stop at that, I'll spare you the gloomy details.

This place is starting to suffocate me. All the whining can't be doing anyone good, so how about we agree on being less tormented around her? All in favor, say I! My audience consisting of one agrees, so let's move on.

Today marks 8 months of working here and I'm already thinking of a change of plan. I don't know if I'm fickle or if it's really a good choice. I'll have to do more research and then make my move. I've been good at getting what I want so far, so let's hope I'll continue to be.

This wasn't so bad, was it now!

Monday, July 16, 2012

16/7/2012

Reading back what I write always gives me a sense of pretentiousness, but I can't help being a stuck up bitch! This is how the thoughts formulate in my head. This is the tone of my inner voice. This is the way I read everything or comprehend. This is even the sound I use to read funny tweets! It's dull, but this is what I'm used to. So if you're bothered, stop! Because it's not going to change.

 Having said that, today I'm at a loss of words. I want to write about something other than my thoughts, but my thoughts are jealous creatures. They see me trying to think of something else so they pull me back to where I started from. It's a constant loop, a vicious cycle. They are my current master, and just like most subordinates, I obey in hopes of a treat. I think I deserve a treat.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

15/7/2012

First day of the week is always the hardest. You're just coming back from getting to do whatever you please with your day, which makes being stuck at work for 7:30 hours the day after an unbearable chore. Alas, this is what growing up is all about. We finish studying then we work, that's what we've been taught. Not all grownups can be wrong, or can they!

One of my freezers is in distress. She's shouting for me, so eager for help. I have to go comfort her, after all, I did call her princess.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

14/7/2012

What happens when I don't write in the morning? I spend the whole day trying to force myself to sit down and write! Sit down and write Sumaiah. Sit and fucking write.

I find myself forcing myself to do a lot of things lately. Other than writing I force myself to read, work, interact with people, and shower. Those are signs of being depressed I suppose. I never said I wasn't depressed.

You see, I believe I found the perfect cure for my condition, My condition being apathy or whatever not wanting to live might fall under, and the perfect cure is to make myself do everything I don't feel like doing. That's right! As simple as that. Do it all and do it with a smile. You got it champ.

So here I am crossing writing off my list. I just have some pages to read then I can go back to watching shows in bed. Life is good.

Friday, July 13, 2012

13/7/2012

I lay in bed hungry as I always am at this time of the weekend. Scornful that I'm up and yet determined to not start my day or be active. This is the story of my life, ladies and gentlemen. Doing something while wanting the other so bad. That's exactly me. Yours truly, I.

* I wish I can stop being sarcastic or maybe at least tone it down sometimes. You're stuck with it, I'm stuck with it. You're welcome, universe.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

12/7/2012

I haven't been reading much lately and I feel my imagination taking a leave of absence and leaving me to only pondering what I see. Sometimes that's not a bad thing. Sometimes you need to be an active observer of what's really there. Sometimes but not always, or else you'll be consumed..

Being an observer locks you in a world inside of you that you can not leave. There's not much you can do with reality but asking why and looking for answers. Answers that most probably will not see the light. And what can't get out will grow impatient and rebel, then start a revolution and suddenly a coup.. And all of a sudden you're no longer in charge.

I am no longer in charge. I can no longer steer my thinking process into my desired direction. Most of my thought are those I wish would remain silent.. They never stop talking. They keep whispering what I don't want to hear, and when I ignore they shout!
LISTEN TO US! WE ARE WHAT YOU BOTTLED INSIDE AND WE'VE COME BACK WITH A VENGEANCE. WE'RE NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE'RE HEARD.
So I close my eyes and listen to them but they won't stop! They go on forever and I'm not sure I understand. What do they want from me? Please make them stop! I beg.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

11/7/2012

I think I need to make a habit out of writing if only a paragraph every day.  Writing clears my mind and makes it easier for my thoughts to align and stop pestering me with never ending whys and splitting headaches. As a human, I'm guilty of being selfish. I want everything to work out for me, and that goes on for whatever is going through my head. So out of pure selfishness, I write.

What happens when you're presented with an idea that you never wanted to consider? Naturally, you will not give it a second thought. Just like any rational person, you'll dismiss it. But let me tell you this, the thoughts in my head are no rational beings. If anything, they are the exact opposite.
In my schoolgirl excitement, I've allowed my thought to wander away to places that should forever stay uninhabited. I've allowed my hopes to  ride on uncertainty and went as far as expecting the best. This is the start of my demise, my friends.
 Expectations is what lead me to being who I am, and while this is not a bad thing since I, in my self glorifying eyes,  think I turned out great, though it wasn't easy to get to. I taught myself to never hope, to never expect, to never go in that path of uncertain outcomes because no one likes to be disappointed. And yes, by no one I mean me. I don't want to be disappointed especially in matters that mean nothing to me.
But you might go ahead and ask, why all this thinking if the matter is of no significance to yours truly? I would answer if I had a reply. I would tell you in a rational way what's going on, except I can't rationalize what seems to be a matter of the heart..

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

10/7/2012

Once again I'm in this place of my life where I'm questioning my plan. Is it ever going to come to life? Will I ever grow up? Will I ever break free? Am I determined enough to achieve my ultimate goal? Am I worthy of the life I want for myself? Question after question from me to me even when I know I have no answer, or worse, I have one that I don't want to hear.
 
All I know is that something in me has to come out. Words or otherwise, it just has to be sent back to the universe. This thing.. This entity if I may go as far to say, resides everywhere in me. It's like a cancer of some sort eating me alive. But just like most cancers out there, I have to fight my body to eradicate it. I have to reach my weakest state of mind to come out victorious. I have to face me, beat me, then build me up again. Just like a phoenix, I will rise back to greatness.
 

*Sometimes you just have to write. Even if there's nothing to write about and words refuse to serve a purpose. Today is one of those times. I have the Nerdist playing in the background and I can't help but listen to snippets of jokes and, even when my mind is resisting, give out a smile.

 

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Ache

It's days like this I wish I was more like a human and less like a cyborg. I want affection and I want it in abundance. I feel like a hug but I have no one to hug. I want to be heard but I'm not sure if I want to speak. My heart aches like a mother fucker!

Be ok! Be ok for me. Be ok to me. You are all I have. I am all I have..

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Trust Issues?

Sometimes the universe introduces people to your life of whom your life would be easier without. The best thing you can do in these situations is to know how to asess the problem and then decide on how you want to deal with the mess. Me, being the stone wall that I am, choose to avoid any mess and drama by not giving too much. If I feel a person's not good for me, I maintain an impenetrable layer professionalism. This way I don't create an enemy or an enemy dressed as a temporary friend.
This might sound sad and I might be missing out on new opportunities of meeting new people, but if there's one thing that I'll always trust it's my gut feeling. Even though my gut feeling has been referred to as gas (by none other than Thug, my favorite troll) before, I think it's one of those mystical forces looking after me. I might be exaggerating, but I really like the idea of divine guidance. So again, I'll have to shut myself up and start this!
Dear person I last spoke to,
There's something about you that makes me cautious around you. You are a nice person, yet I can't find myself calling you a friend. I can't trust you or let my guard down in your presence. I feel like giving you too much is going to cost me a lot.
Your excessive kindness is making everyone want to be around you, it's like you can never do wrong. My feelings towards you (or lack of them) sound unexplainable, but I know when to trust my gut feeling and it's telling me to not be fooled. I feel that you will destroy me if it was in your interest. I really wish I don't have to deal with you but our paths are intertwined so I choose to be careful.
With all that said, I will always act civil around you and try to maintain a normal level of interaction. We might have to deal with each other for a long time, and I'm not looking forward for constant drama.
Regards,
Sumaiah
* I need all of you (I know I can count you all on one hand but let me live the moment :p) to like this drawing (and ask everyone you know to do the same! Yes, even your annoying friend whom you've had a fight with 5 years ago!) on Facebook http://bit.ly/GM8n4J. I'm doing this for a friend so please help me make this happen.