I'm not sure if I should start with the good aspect or the bad aspect of my life, but seeing that the bad one contains deeply engraved resentment that I should let out or fade out, I'm gonna start with that.
I have a really troubled relationship with my parents, it had to do with years of neglect and emotional abuse, you know the usual. Once upon a time I used to consume myself with rage, I used to challenge every boundary to get noticed. What I'm trying to say is that I was always sure that if I needed them, if I really needed them (which I hope will never happen!), I'm more than sure that they won't have my back. And what's family if you can't trust them with that?
I wasn't planning on recapturing my childhood but I guess it still bother me even when I say that it doesn't. I'm not saying that I blame my parents for anything, the blame game stopped along time ago. Now I only blame them for one thing, I blame them for the fact that I don't love and respect them.
You see, I've had plenty of reasons to think that I'm a bad person who's not worthy of love, for who would ever love a person not good enough for their parents? And for the longest time I punished myself for not being able to love them and win their love back. But time have treated me well and it taught me that some people are just not worthy of my time, and whoever didn't work for my love didn't deserve it.
This post have developed a mind of it's own...
Mom is one of those religious people that use religion as an excuse for everything that she did wrong. Staying with a mentally abusing and absent father was because god said honor your husband. Not taking us out as a family was to protect us from fetan, and if I think harder I'll come up with a hundred excuse.
Mommy dearest didn't stop at religious excuses, she went on into guilt tripping us into anything that she fell short to accomplish. Every time I gave my mom attitude for not being there she's use "heaven is underneath the mother's feet", or "kamma todeen todan", never have she once held herself accountable for the fact that we're all acting up. I mean we can't all be bad seeds! "Whatever you do to people, people will do to you", well you did us wrong mamma, so here we are repaying the favor.
And daddy. What can I say about daddy? Well he's just not around, and when he's around you wish him away. That's all I have to say about the people who brought me to life.
I guess that that last month or so have taking It's toll on me. Well there you have it, an update! I'm sick (real sickness) and tired (real physical pain due to sickness) and maybe that's why I'm letting the bitterness out.