Sunday, December 19, 2010

Bad Day

For a person who hates pink, I sure am surrounded with lots and lots of it :p

Life is a variable. You have good days and bad days. Nothing stays the same whether you want it to or not. Today was a bad day...

I woke up feeling sorry for myself. I stayed in my messy room under my dirty covers and I felt so sorry for what's becoming of me. I might be breathing but I'm not living. I haven't been living for a long time and the sad thing is that I've accepted it. I'm ok with being barely alive, I'm ok with feeling like a failure, I'm ok with doing it the easy way.

Most of my followers are aware of the fact that I'm troubled. I'm not sure if all of you figure it out, but I have self destructive tendencies. The picture above is of one of my favorite destructive behaviors. I know that it's wrong (not to mention lame!), and I know that it doesn't change a thing, but I used to cut to feel alive (laaaaame!).

You might think that this is a sad post seeing that I'm gloomy and I'm talking about cutting! It's not really! It's been more than a year since I last cut. I'm not saying that I don't think about it, because as seen in the picture I still get the urge (which was taken this week!). Even though sometimes I have the utmost intention to hurt myself, I have managed to keep it as an intention.

I might be taking a long time to grow out of my stupidity, but I'll get there :)
I'm watching Scot Pilgrim at the moment, it's very funny. I'll go watch now, ok bye :*


The Reigh said...

First of all *hugs*
You need it damn it :P
second of're not lame, everyone finds an outlet to helping themselves feel alive one way or another...some are productive others self destructive.
I get it, it's hard, especially when you feel sorry for yourself. You need to fight those urges, fight for your will to live. I'm sure there's something along the way enshalla that will give you a reason to live but until then fight for the urge to live and be alive for yourself, despite what circumstances may hold.
The cutting thing? it's been a year for me too. I know exactly what that's like but why should you punish yourself? Why live with the scars you'd have to walk with forever?
What you need is a BIIIIIG bag of chips, chocolates, and every junkfood you love under the sun and a funky funny movie. and Rei Rei is right around the corner if you should like some company! ;**** stay strong babe!

Godless Saudi said...

Pray to joe pesci or accept the fact that life is full of suffering and agony. Do what my grandpa once said "take a reality pill asshole"

Sumaiah said...

Rei Rei:
Thank you baby :*
*hugs back*
The scars are a pain in the ass!! I can't wear short sleeves or short shorts without applying makeup to cover it all!
Looool I'm doing lots of grocery therapy, it's good for the blues but not so good for the exceeding waistline :p

I know that I should be content with what I have but I'm not! That picture is heart breaking, but that doesn't make what I'm going through less painful or less important! I know that my suffering is a dream to somebody else, but guess what.. That doesn't stop it from being MY suffering! I know that that makes me sound selfish and pretentious, well I don't care about how I look right now!

BTW, I love your grandpa :*

The Stig said...

Cut yourself !

Blaah !

Sumaiah said...

I know! Lame!!

q8othug said...


and i thought i was the freak around here...

LoL ! joking

at first i used to self destruct too (although my tendencies were more property damaging to put it mildly)

but then

I lool

but yeah i agree, cutting yourself is soo 90's... i suggest developing another tension release mechanism

Sumaiah said...

Looool it's ok, I know! :p

It's just that I don't know! It started with smoking but damaging my lungs wasn't enough. Then there's the issue with cocktail drugs but that could kill you! Then I thought what am I gonna do now? And there's always a razor around so it's only normal to cut, right! :p

Now I love to say that I'm older and wiser, so now I just cry like normal people. And when it gets too much I start smoking again!

OMG this sounds too lame to be true! I have plenty of depressingly lame stories about this!

Ambrosial said...

I can relate in ur first two paragraphs :)

I have the tendency to punch a wall every once in a while! Bruised knuckles don't feel great the next day! ;p and holding a steering wheel is not easy anymore! lol ;p
Bs wallah 7aram u inflict pain, stop cutting yourself and eat ur feelings like me! :D LOL ;p

Sumaiah said...

Loool why isn't anybody getting the point of this post! I said used to, as in past tense, as in stopped, as in no longer do it, as in never again. Is that clear enough :p

And I eat everything away! Blues, PMSing, happiness, anger... You get the point :p

I'm trying to drop the other self destructive habits. Maybe someday when life gets less hectic :p