Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Introducing Mom

I've come to realize that mom is a mysterious creature not like any other mom I know. When moms should be giving, my mom's job was demanding. Growing up as my mother's daughter was the hardest experience that baby me had to go through. While I'm not the middle child but in our twisted household I courtly took that role. I was never given the time of day, never noticed, never acknowledged unless I did something wrong and only to be told off or punished. Growing up I shadowed my mom, learned how to cook (and I was only a child), did whatever she asked, became her little helper, but still she didn't notice the effort. In my child's mind I started to believe that I'm a bad person, a good for nothing discarded flesh, or why else would mom reject me!

My teenage years were a different story triggered by the same believes of not being good enough. I became the child from hell, not a child anymore but an angry, self destructive, blow in your face creature. My relationship with mom went from longing to loathing. I took every chance I had to hurt her as much as she did. I befriended the wrong crowd and went out of my way to be remembered, and even if those were bad memories they were memories of me none the less.

Now that I'm a grown women, I find mom wanting to take her part in mothering me. After I had to go through years of doubt and endless trauma she wants me to be her trophy daughter, her little helper. She demands kisses and hugs back, things that I taught myself to do with caution, and I was extra cautious with her. And in the rare occasions in which I cried in public, she demanded that her words and touches sooth me.

Well guess what mommy, I'm not a child that you can model anymore. And while I'm not angry at her now, and I don't desire her late motherhood, I can't love or hate her. I am tolerating her and trying to be civil and it's working ok. Now I don't have to scream to be heard, I just don't mind not being heard!


TaZmaNiA said...

you have a strange yet very interesting life story about your mom's role. so sorry to hear how ur childhood & teenage went, maybe she has finally changed! but I can understand ur feelings

Vainglorious said...

I dont think we can ever be enough for our parents they always want more from us. they always want us to be better than the best.. It's tiring sometimes but thats how parents are.

Maybe your mom changed? give her a chance, you got nothing to lose anyway

Sumaiah said...

It's ok, I am who I am because of my past:)
Maybe she did but I can't trust her intentions and I can't let my guard down, I have a tendency to be over protective of myself.

I really don't think that that was the case here, I think that maybe mom was in over her head and she sacrifices me for the sake of the whole!
I don't know if she changed or not but what I know for sure is that I can't magically turn into the daughter that she never raised me to be! No matter how hard I try I will forever hold her accountable for the low self esteem that I had and nearly ruined my life. I will always blame her for not noticing.

Ambrosial said...

Why can't u just sit with her and tell her how u feel! When she sees ur pain, she might understand, and renovate what's left from that relationship. Come on she's ur mom. If God forgives us and gives us all the chances we need to make things right, why can't u do the same? I understand its hard to take the first steps in doing it, but its for ur own well-being and conscience. Are u sure u want to continue with ur life having such a sad relationship with ur mom?! :/ I truly hope u can work things out.

Vainglorious comment, yabat'ha 3l jar7 :/

Sumaiah said...

I tried talking to her about it once she got all sensitive and offended and started telling me hatha yezay oo ana elly sawait oo ana elly madry sheno and I really wasn't in the mood for that type of crap so I just got up and left her playing the hurt mom role! I honestly can't well myself to repair the damage that she made, I know that this sounds childish but she didn't protect me from life, she didn't give me love and hugs when I needed, and the hurt little girl still lives on.

I'm trying to forgive her but the problem is that I can not forget, and I know that forgiving without forgetting the misfortune will not work. I'm really not that big a person, I can't fix it on behalf of both of us!