I've come to realize that mom is a mysterious creature not like any other mom I know. When moms should be giving, my mom's job was demanding. Growing up as my mother's daughter was the hardest experience that baby me had to go through. While I'm not the middle child but in our twisted household I courtly took that role. I was never given the time of day, never noticed, never acknowledged unless I did something wrong and only to be told off or punished. Growing up I shadowed my mom, learned how to cook (and I was only a child), did whatever she asked, became her little helper, but still she didn't notice the effort. In my child's mind I started to believe that I'm a bad person, a good for nothing discarded flesh, or why else would mom reject me!
My teenage years were a different story triggered by the same believes of not being good enough. I became the child from hell, not a child anymore but an angry, self destructive, blow in your face creature. My relationship with mom went from longing to loathing. I took every chance I had to hurt her as much as she did. I befriended the wrong crowd and went out of my way to be remembered, and even if those were bad memories they were memories of me none the less.
Now that I'm a grown women, I find mom wanting to take her part in mothering me. After I had to go through years of doubt and endless trauma she wants me to be her trophy daughter, her little helper. She demands kisses and hugs back, things that I taught myself to do with caution, and I was extra cautious with her. And in the rare occasions in which I cried in public, she demanded that her words and touches sooth me.
Well guess what mommy, I'm not a child that you can model anymore. And while I'm not angry at her now, and I don't desire her late motherhood, I can't love or hate her. I am tolerating her and trying to be civil and it's working ok. Now I don't have to scream to be heard, I just don't mind not being heard!