Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm Doing it My Way!

When I graduated I sat down and came up with things that I want to do now that I have no purpose in life. I wrote those goals with the intention of getting things done but me being me I managed to do a half assed attempt in getting some of them done while totally ignoring the rest.

Let's take my room for example, I washed some of the dirty clothes that were on the floor and put the rest in the laundry basket (which will probably stay there until god only knows when!), I took six bags of garbage out but I probably have the same amount still in, I cleaned and emptied some of the closets but haven't gotten to the remaining ones, sense a pattern in here!

I'm having a driving lesson today (I'm writing this post so that I don't sleep before I have to go since I managed to fuck my sleeping hours) and I wish that I didn't have to go! I know that not driving sucks but I hate doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable, and that's how driving makes me feel. It's like I'm making myself learn how to drive to meet my expectations. I've always dreamed of being independent and having control over my life, and that's impossible if I needed to beg someone to drive me around and know of every move that I make! And since I don't drive yet and no one else in the household has joined a gym I can't get my ass there, pathetic wallah! What quality of life have I deemed myself to have!

As for praying and being spiritually active, well that's not going at all! I do believe in Allah wel7emdillah I do have him in my life bs praying and reading quran are two things that I have failed in following. I can make myself do them for a week or so but then it'll start feeling like a chore and I'll get sloppy then quit all together! It never felt easy praying because no matter how hard I tried my heart isn't in it! I always feel as if I'm standing and reciting verses that I memorized long ago but there is no 5oshoo3, no link between me and Allah and it frustrates me because I know that I must be doing something wrong! And I hate how my mind wanders while I'm praying to trivial matters which I believe is so disrespectful to the act itself and Allah! I know that those are all excuses, but praying really doesn't feel right when I do it!! Will I find my way back? Who knows! But the important question is am I welling to walk the walk?

The only goal that is going on the right path is losing weight, and I'm hopping that that won't change. I'm sick of eating chicken boobies though! I'm more of a thigh person so making the shift to breast is a little hard for me. I do have an occasional thigh because what I'm looking for is a healthy life style not a diet, and I don't want to live with a life style that I hate!

This post is cynical and depressing. The weird thing is that I didn't feel this depressed when I first started this! Sorry that you had to listen to more of my complaints and petty trips.


greak said...

actually ur doing fine. u have lots of things to deal with. but if u take them nice and slow<< i said that in a wrong way lol. I mean ppl LOVE to say u have to see the big picture. weel, sometimes its wrong to see the BIG confusing depressing picture. sometime someone have to zoom in the picture and observe the pits and pieces then put them all together. u digg? :P

Hope said...

Good evening

I totally agree with u, driving lessons suck
ana 3an nafsi I'm not planning on driving.. I learned, got my licence.. cool
now I 4got how 2 drive since I don't so that much & I really don't wanna learn .. I'll leave it for later
bs ur right, if u wanna B independent, then learning how 2 drive is a must.

Best of luck with everything =]

Sumaiah said...

Maybe I should stop offering sex in exchange of nice comments! Now I don't know if u mean it or u just have ulterior motives!:p

Good evening to u too :)

Ana I learned how to drive but stopped half way because I hated it and now I want to drive but I don't want to at the same time!:s

Thank u, and welcome to my blog:)

greak said...

I mean it *cross my heart*

5/4 said...

"praying and reading quran are two things that I have failed in following."

Look at what's happening to me.. I'm one of the examples.

Of all the times ppl told me to pray I never did, it'll happen naturally, madaam ena Allah ib 7ayatich and you love Him sadgeeni there'll come a day when you'll pray by your own, bedoon ma a7ad yegoolich.

You're a great girl Semo and I believe in you

I believe u can achieve ur goals!

right now I want to fix my teeth and take care of my health then I'm gonna slim down

u can do it dont give up ;)


Sumaiah said...

Well thank u then:)
But I still feel unachieved, it's been more than a month and I didn't finish any task!!

Inshallah agdar! Today I prayed elfayer and e'6eher because I got so motivated but I had my period before el3a9er!! Garadaa much! I've been waiting on my period since ages oo lama yat yat bwagt '3ala6!!:(
Now I'm afraid enny at3aiyaz a9aly 3gb ma a5ale9!

Inshallah everyone gets what they desire, especially u:*
Love u too honey:***