When I graduated I sat down and came up with things that I want to do now that I have no purpose in life. I wrote those goals with the intention of getting things done but me being me I managed to do a half assed attempt in getting some of them done while totally ignoring the rest.
Let's take my room for example, I washed some of the dirty clothes that were on the floor and put the rest in the laundry basket (which will probably stay there until god only knows when!), I took six bags of garbage out but I probably have the same amount still in, I cleaned and emptied some of the closets but haven't gotten to the remaining ones, sense a pattern in here!
I'm having a driving lesson today (I'm writing this post so that I don't sleep before I have to go since I managed to fuck my sleeping hours) and I wish that I didn't have to go! I know that not driving sucks but I hate doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable, and that's how driving makes me feel. It's like I'm making myself learn how to drive to meet my expectations. I've always dreamed of being independent and having control over my life, and that's impossible if I needed to beg someone to drive me around and know of every move that I make! And since I don't drive yet and no one else in the household has joined a gym I can't get my ass there, pathetic wallah! What quality of life have I deemed myself to have!
As for praying and being spiritually active, well that's not going at all! I do believe in Allah wel7emdillah I do have him in my life bs praying and reading quran are two things that I have failed in following. I can make myself do them for a week or so but then it'll start feeling like a chore and I'll get sloppy then quit all together! It never felt easy praying because no matter how hard I tried my heart isn't in it! I always feel as if I'm standing and reciting verses that I memorized long ago but there is no 5oshoo3, no link between me and Allah and it frustrates me because I know that I must be doing something wrong! And I hate how my mind wanders while I'm praying to trivial matters which I believe is so disrespectful to the act itself and Allah! I know that those are all excuses, but praying really doesn't feel right when I do it!! Will I find my way back? Who knows! But the important question is am I welling to walk the walk?
The only goal that is going on the right path is losing weight, and I'm hopping that that won't change. I'm sick of eating chicken boobies though! I'm more of a thigh person so making the shift to breast is a little hard for me. I do have an occasional thigh because what I'm looking for is a healthy life style not a diet, and I don't want to live with a life style that I hate!
This post is cynical and depressing. The weird thing is that I didn't feel this depressed when I first started this! Sorry that you had to listen to more of my complaints and petty trips.