Thursday, July 29, 2010

Good Day

Today I went to college to meet my friends and then go out with one of them. I haven't realized how much I missed them all until I got there and sat with them. We did some catching up but we didn't stay long since all of them but me, nana ( my bestest friend) and Mesho, were taking a summer semester and had lectures to go to.

After countless hugs (I'm a hugy bear, if ur allowed to touch me then u'll have to live with my squeezy hugs!:p) we left college to go to 360 because we wanted to watch "Despicable Me", we got ther at about 11 and the movie was showing at 12:30 so we sat and chatted some more.

The movie was so cute we had a good laugh. Mesho says that I'm just like Gru, pretending that I'm mean and bad but in reality I'm all mushy and cuddly, I told her to shut up!:p

Then we had to check the rides and the arcade games at "Infunity". Everybody there greeted us with a weird smile since we were the only adults who didn't have a child with us to play bs it was lots of fun. The staff there were so adorable I really regret not taking pictures with them all!:(

Then we had a disappointing lunch at let's burger! After all the hype that it generated Mesho thought that maybe we should check it out, but it was the worst decision that we made all day! The food was either bland or bad and we didn't enjoy it the least!

The best thing after hanging out with nanaty was ditching the driving lesson. Even though I could drive a truck by now, daddy says that I should keep on training until one day before rama'6an because that's when he's scheduling my try! I really love my trainer though, he's such a baba 3ody I want to take him home! But that doesn't mean that I'm not too sick and tired of parallel parking (I'm not bragging, but I'm the queen of parallel parking!:p) and driving aimlessly on the street!

But nothing matters today because I had lots and lots of fun and love, it's safe to say that I'm really happy el7emdellah:)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Introducing Mom

I've come to realize that mom is a mysterious creature not like any other mom I know. When moms should be giving, my mom's job was demanding. Growing up as my mother's daughter was the hardest experience that baby me had to go through. While I'm not the middle child but in our twisted household I courtly took that role. I was never given the time of day, never noticed, never acknowledged unless I did something wrong and only to be told off or punished. Growing up I shadowed my mom, learned how to cook (and I was only a child), did whatever she asked, became her little helper, but still she didn't notice the effort. In my child's mind I started to believe that I'm a bad person, a good for nothing discarded flesh, or why else would mom reject me!

My teenage years were a different story triggered by the same believes of not being good enough. I became the child from hell, not a child anymore but an angry, self destructive, blow in your face creature. My relationship with mom went from longing to loathing. I took every chance I had to hurt her as much as she did. I befriended the wrong crowd and went out of my way to be remembered, and even if those were bad memories they were memories of me none the less.

Now that I'm a grown women, I find mom wanting to take her part in mothering me. After I had to go through years of doubt and endless trauma she wants me to be her trophy daughter, her little helper. She demands kisses and hugs back, things that I taught myself to do with caution, and I was extra cautious with her. And in the rare occasions in which I cried in public, she demanded that her words and touches sooth me.

Well guess what mommy, I'm not a child that you can model anymore. And while I'm not angry at her now, and I don't desire her late motherhood, I can't love or hate her. I am tolerating her and trying to be civil and it's working ok. Now I don't have to scream to be heard, I just don't mind not being heard!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bye Bye Birdy

A year ago I was going out with my friends and they were singing a song that I hated in their horrible voices and as hard as I tried to shut them up the higher the volume of the awful singing would get as a way of teasing me. I screamed and argued but they wouldn't shut up, so when we stopped at a red light I just opened the door and started walking! I walked and walked in scorching heat but I was smiling, even though I didn't have a mean to get back to college or a place to hide from the sun. I walked through peoples stares and didn't mind the pointing of children in other cars, I just felt free, I felt accomplished, when words didn't help I reacted. Even if it was a stupid thing to do, walking through those cars and ignoring their (my friends) calls felt spontaneous and free.

As I was walking a little bird fell from a tree above me, it scared the hell out of me but I felt like it was a sign (I'm a strong believer in signs, not the stupid superstitious ones, but signs that punch you in the face and say "hey look I'm here!"). I picked up the phone and answer there 10th call or so and told them that someone needs to get out of the car and pick the bird up because I'm too disgusted to do so! The bird was butt ugly on my defense, plus, I don't like touching animals that I'm not sure are clean! So one of them came and picked the ugly bird that I wanted so bad but didn't know what to do with anymore!

When we went back to college I was already over wanting to save that little creature and I was sure that I didn't want to take it home. We tried to find a safe place to put the bird in to keep it safe until the next day. The plan was to decide the fate of that wretched creature that choose me, some one who's incapable of showing affection or following through, to save it from whatever it is that I felt the need to save it from. When I went to look for it the next day it wasn't there! The maids could've changed it's place but I'm almost certain that it got eaten by one of the cats!

Yesterday as I laid in bed trying to go to sleep, I suddenly remembered that bird and felt sorry for it. If someone's responsible for it's death then it's me, I've wronged that bird in so many ways. I took it to satisfy a need that I had, it existence never mattered to me. I knew that I couldn't have save it, that I wouldn't have gone through, but all the same. I wanted it and I had to have it.

Moral of the story is that selfishness and impulses will be the end of me, and other creatures as well!

Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm Doing it My Way!

When I graduated I sat down and came up with things that I want to do now that I have no purpose in life. I wrote those goals with the intention of getting things done but me being me I managed to do a half assed attempt in getting some of them done while totally ignoring the rest.

Let's take my room for example, I washed some of the dirty clothes that were on the floor and put the rest in the laundry basket (which will probably stay there until god only knows when!), I took six bags of garbage out but I probably have the same amount still in, I cleaned and emptied some of the closets but haven't gotten to the remaining ones, sense a pattern in here!

I'm having a driving lesson today (I'm writing this post so that I don't sleep before I have to go since I managed to fuck my sleeping hours) and I wish that I didn't have to go! I know that not driving sucks but I hate doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable, and that's how driving makes me feel. It's like I'm making myself learn how to drive to meet my expectations. I've always dreamed of being independent and having control over my life, and that's impossible if I needed to beg someone to drive me around and know of every move that I make! And since I don't drive yet and no one else in the household has joined a gym I can't get my ass there, pathetic wallah! What quality of life have I deemed myself to have!

As for praying and being spiritually active, well that's not going at all! I do believe in Allah wel7emdillah I do have him in my life bs praying and reading quran are two things that I have failed in following. I can make myself do them for a week or so but then it'll start feeling like a chore and I'll get sloppy then quit all together! It never felt easy praying because no matter how hard I tried my heart isn't in it! I always feel as if I'm standing and reciting verses that I memorized long ago but there is no 5oshoo3, no link between me and Allah and it frustrates me because I know that I must be doing something wrong! And I hate how my mind wanders while I'm praying to trivial matters which I believe is so disrespectful to the act itself and Allah! I know that those are all excuses, but praying really doesn't feel right when I do it!! Will I find my way back? Who knows! But the important question is am I welling to walk the walk?

The only goal that is going on the right path is losing weight, and I'm hopping that that won't change. I'm sick of eating chicken boobies though! I'm more of a thigh person so making the shift to breast is a little hard for me. I do have an occasional thigh because what I'm looking for is a healthy life style not a diet, and I don't want to live with a life style that I hate!

This post is cynical and depressing. The weird thing is that I didn't feel this depressed when I first started this! Sorry that you had to listen to more of my complaints and petty trips.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Choices

Ever since I was a young girl I had this thing where I wanted everything in my life to be something that I personally chose to do. When someone asked me anything I would do it on my time and my own accord. Everyone thought that I was an obnoxious child but I didn't mind as long as I was comfortable.

I remember how my brother used to tease me by telling me that I have to go to school, or that I have to pray, or anything that he thought that I had to do. I also remember me telling him that I don't have to do anything because I actually choose to do those stuff!

But as I grew older I realized I really don't have much choice! As much as I wanted to believe that I'm in charge, there will always be two choices. One I want but can't have, and one that's forced upon me while I don't desire going with. What's funny is when people say that the choice is yours while in reality they know that the choice was made without me even being consulted!

I also realized that the only choice that I have is whether I'm going to accept what I have to do or rebel against it! Each choice has it pros and cons, but they're choices that you actually make. When I first realized this that was enough for me because I wasn't well equipped to start demanding change, but now I'm a changed person and I have a really hard choice to make!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Tampon Alert

This post is PMS induced all readers are advised not to proceed, especially male readers!

Once upon a time I had a perfict cycle, I could've sworn on my period because it was something that I was sure about. Pulling through PMS was always hard, but knowing when it was going to end made it a whole lot easier.

Now I'm not sure of anything (over dramatic much)! It seems that I'm in a constant PMS and it's taking it's toll on me. Being on a diet doesn't help much since I'm craving the craziest food that I'm not supposed to eat, and I can't cram all of my cravings in one day because I'm afraid that I might eat myself to death!!

The mood swing are not that bad though, which is really good. What's annoying me the most is that I'm getting a some type of bra rash (there's a lot of bra talk in here!!) And I don't know if it's the heat or it's hormonal or god knows what!

And the thing is that I hate going to the doctors' because doctors have god complex and they love to boss around and I'm not a fan of taking orders! Plus, I have some unexplained cuts and bruises which I don't want to discuss with anyone, especially not with a know it all doctor!

I have one question to tampon users, is it annoying? I'm personally a sanitary pad girl and would never even consider using tampons because I don't think that I'll feel comfortable in!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Congratulation to Me

I received my degree today after a very long wait and I don't feel anything! This is my achievement, it's the only thing that I could claim as mine, so why am I not happy! Maybe I'm just too much of a nekadeya to feel!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I Met My Hero

To all the people who were against freedom flotilla I say shame on you! I know that it took me a while to speak up, but at the time of the event I didn't have enough knowledge of what was happening and this is why I chose not to contribute with a half assed effort to be with or against something that I wasn't fully aware of.

Today I met Haya Al-shatti and I'm very honored that I got to be around that girl mashallah 3aleha. I knew from my mom's friend that she'll be coming to the lajna (we're a house away from the lajna) so I got excited and I searched and read and did my home work with the intention of debating here to understand what everything was about. From the beginning I wasn't against them going there, on the contrary, I respected them for what they did. I just wanted to make sure that what they did made a change.

I admit that I'm not a very religious person, and I'm not very human, and knowing that muslims are dying somewhere away from me doesn't really affect my life! But that girl made me care, that girl made me want to change, that girl opened my eyes and showed me that people in Gaza don't need my petty! People in Gaza don't need my money! And people in Gaza don't need my help! She taught me that we are the ones who need help! She showed me how insignificant I am, how stupid I was for thinking that I knew it all. I wanted to find out if they made a change, how pathetic of me! They rocked the world, even if now the incident is already history but they cracked the surface. They got the voice of Gaza out, they showed the world who the terrorists are, so yes they made a change.

I would pay anything to have the experience that they went through. The coming together of all nationalities and religions for the sake of one cause. The courage that they showed for a cause that for most wasn't there's to fight. The passion for freedom that they had and wanted to share. Those people could die today at ease because of what they got to see, because of the fulfillment that they got to experience.

I know that I'm not making sense, but I can't find a way of projecting what I just experienced to you! What that girl said left me crying and hugging her and thanking he at the same time, and I'm not someone who's fond of public display of any emotions! I must've looked and sounded crazy to her and I'm really sorry for that!:p

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Sucky Songs and Weight Loss

I used to enjoy music of all types, my play list could go from pop to rock to tichno and heavy metal. Even thu my play list consists of 70 songs it's more than enough for me. The problem is that I'm starting to get bored with some of the songs, and I grew out of a significant part of it and I'm finding it hard to replace them.

As hard as I've tried I couldn't love lady gaga and the new generation of performers. And my intelligence wouldn't allow me to listen to Disney's new batch of sucky singers. And I have nothing to say about justin bieber, and ke$ha! Those two have a voice that hurts my soul! I'm not kidding wallah it's painful listening to them, and the problem is that they're every where and it's teenagers fault! I hate how they're taking over the world, I just hate them no86a bedayat esa6er!

I know that there are other options and if I don't like them I could just not listen, but if I'm suffering then you should suffer with me!:p

Weight loss updates:
El7emdellah everything is going great and I'm going according to plan, 9ej my activity is restricted to wii sport and some times a walk at this moment, bs inshallah when my sister gets her first pay check (yaaaaaaiy) we'll both join a gym:)

Friday, July 2, 2010

Holland 2-1:'D

OMG I'm still shaking! What a game!