Saturday, February 27, 2010

Anticipating Disaster

Recently I've notice that I tend to think of the worst case scenario of everything once I'm alone. Even though I'm a morning person, and until recently enjoyed waking up, but since the start of the holiday I've been getting this griping feeling that never goes away. A feeling of discomfort, and uneasiness, a feeling that I always get when thing get horribly wrong. But the thing is that nothing is going wrong! And I should be ok, yet still I'm not. I'm just sick of feeling bad! What should I do to feel normal again!

On a lighter mood, yesterday was the first time that I wore a Kuwait flag outfit my aunt got one for me because they wanted us all to match for a liberation day family portrait. It was weird in a good way, next year I might even go to elmasera:)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My Tree House

I'm the sixth of eight children that my mom and dad were stupid enough to have; you can imagine what I had to go through to get some attention or time alone! Life was always hard (on every one I know, but I'm only responsible of me!), and at times I just wanted to curl in a corner and wait for the patch to pass, but unfortunately that never happened! So I had to figure out a way to be alone with myself to think, and that’s how I discovered the roof, or as I call it the tree house. This place has witnessed so many emotions. Emotions I didn’t want to share with anyone, not even me. It was always there for me when I felt like crying but was too ashamed of being seen as weak. It's always there when I want to scream or even sing out loud! It grew with me and with it I learned how to just enjoy the show. My tree house is my sanctuary my haven my escape from life's claws, but I've decided to stop escaping and thus this is good bye:)

Monday, February 22, 2010

Blood Donation

I'm one of those people who loves to donate blood, but it seems like forever since the last time that I've donated blood. And the problem is that it's not because I don’t want to, it's just that lately every time I go to the blood bank I fail one of the idiotic tests that they have! I know that they have them to protect the receiver of the blood, but some times it's not a threat yet still they refuse to take my blood!! Once they sent me back because my temperature was 37.7!! its POINT SEVEN higher than the normal temperature ya3ny come on you should take into account that the place was very hot that I felt like I'm melting, and that’s my dearest was why my temperature was a bit high! The second time I was sent back because my pressure was high (it was 132/ something). I understand it when they send people with excessively high pressure back (I googled it and if it lower than 180/100 then it's ok to donate!!), but why do they reject people who had a slightly high blood pressure is what I don’t understand! I've had enough wallah! Tara damy mo 6aye7 bchabdy, I just wanted to help! Ma7ebhom 7abe6ony:(

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Driving Lessons and Baby Diapers

Right now waking up is as exciting as going to sleep! My days consist of driving lessons (yes I'm 21 and just now learning how to drive, shut up!) and waiting for my nephew to do some thing new (why do new born babies have to be so boring! Can't they learn a trick or some thing! I mean, I love the little monkey but come on give me some action!!), and that’s killing me and affecting my mood tremendously. You see, my life is full of drama so when things slow down I get bored! What's boring me the most is driving, I hate doing something that I can't do, and I'm too old to learn something new, so it’s a vicious cycle I'm afraid! I only wanted to drive to be independent, but on a second thought what is independency if I'm miserable and angry all the time! I want a driver!:(

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Drama That Links Us All

Growing up I've heard a lot of theories about how we are all connected, some more believable than others, but recently I came to believe that we are all connected by drama none the less!! Because after all drama is the same across borders and time zones. It’s the only constant other than the initial need of air, food, and shelter. The emotional turmoil and daily stress that sets us apart and brings us together some how. I really believe that even though we all have deferent facades, underneath the surface we are one, so let us celebrate our oneness and just go with the flow.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Daddy Dilemma

My dad is driving me crazy, I want to kill him!! Even though I just turned 21 he still treats me like a child and keeps making decisions for me which makes me feel emasculated and resentful. You see, I'm a strong headed stubborn independent type of girl, his attempts of controlling me, morphing me into some thing that he actually approves of feels like poison that’s bad enough to keep me suffering but never strong enough to actually kill me! And what I hate the most is the skewed view that every one in the family has, which is that he is "the man of the house" and that it's perfectly normal that he's suffocating me! They all treat him as if he's god, praising his achievements yet never admitting to his mistakes. I need to break away from this tainted environment before it starts rubbing on me, because even though I vowed never to be them I feel that I'm starting to lose the well to fight for my believes!

21 At Last

There's something about the age 21 that made me wake up this morning and for the first time feel disappointed that only a couple of persons seem to remember my birthday! But don’t worry I'm not about to blame or indulge in self petty, in fact I am going to celebrate. I'm going to wear my crown (I'm actually wearing a tiara!), I'm going to shine, and I'm going to have fun, because I'm a queen today and every day and I deserve to be worshiped and celebrated even if just by me:)

Friday, February 5, 2010

Reality Check

I'm finally adjusting to the fact that finals are over!! After a hectic last week of studying, taking exams, and fighting with the doctors (a very long story that ended with a complaint letter that I might post) I can safely say that I passed this semester with flying colors in spite of all the drama that I went through!

You see the semester started normally, I attended classes and skipped others but life was still good. My relationship with one of my friends was getting stronger and stronger tell we stupidly decided that we might be in love and that we should act upon it (stupid I know!), needless to say the whole situation became messy and I decided to cool things down which made things weird and messier if I may say (I had a lot of sexual drama growing up and I didn’t desire any more! Maybe one day I'll write about it but not today)!

A couple of days later my grand mother died, I learned about her death hours before one of my midterms but I still toke the stupid exam (I have issues I know!). any one who knows me knows that I have a problem with trusting people thus its hard for me to love or let go, so when mama 3oda died I didn’t know how to deal with it and I still haven’t cried!! I tried to be strong for every one else because this way I could find my own strength, I wiped my aunts' tears, forced her to eat, and helped my other aunt remember that she had a responsibility towards her child, and by this avoided paying attention to my loss.

After the three days of 3azza I started to get depressed (I have borderline depression which means that any drama may start an episode of depression that lasts for only god knows how long) so I decided to avoid depression by doing my long overdue Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy (to remove my gallbladder because I discovered that I had GB stones nearly 2 years ago but didn’t find the time to do the surgery, but the pain was getting unbearable and I needed a distraction so I just did it!). I had the disadvantage of starting this whole situation already depressed combined with the humiliation of doing the surgery and the pain of the stitches, I also started hating my family for some reason! To sum it up, I got out of the hospital feeling more depressed than before which started cycle of unhealthy behaviors that I do when depressed (things that I picked up over the years and which I'm not proud of).

After three days of getting out of the hospital I went back to school, but I didn’t start attending classes till a week after. I was behind in every thing but managed to barely keep it together to the end, until I broke down before the start of one of my finals because of my stupid doctor (I think that I need to post the complaint for you to understand!). so to sum the drama up, I lost my friend, then my grand mother, then my gallbladder, then my A, and now I'm losing my sanity because of boredom and depression (I didn’t deal with it so it still lurks around!), I believe that I should be a masters' project for any psychiatric student who wishes to get an A:p

I'm very sorry for the long dramatic post, but unfortunately all what's mentioned before happened to me in the semester and I needed to share it with some body before I went crazy, and since I'm incapable of sharing anything with any one (what a surprise :p) so I thought that maybe by posting it I might get myself to start dealing with it.